Caffeine Anyone?

Let's talk about caffeine.  My drug of choice.  It makes me tremor, paranoid, anxious, irritable, but man can I pay attention like nobody's business.  Just kidding, but seriously, I love my cup a' Joe in the a.m.  When you have anxiety, which comes with bipolar disorder, it is recommended to limit caffeine intake to one cup a day or eight ounces in twenty-four hours.  Let's be honest, who does this?  There is work to be done, people!  I need my fix.

This definitely comes with a price.  I sit here wide awake as the clock approaches 11:00pm, an hour past my bedtime.  Here's where it gets interesting.  The worry is, "Why am I wide awake?  Did I have caffeine after noon?  Maybe too much sugar tonight?  Huh, maybe I'm going manic.  Crap!"

Insert fear.

When you have a diagnosis like bipolar disorder and you're serious about being healthy, every change in equilibrium is of concern.  I get hyper like a little kid sometimes, and most of the time it's probably just my personality or maybe that extra scoop of ice cream after dinner.  But I don't know that.  I just worry, watching for signs of mania.  Running a checklist through my head: Do I have rapid thoughts?  Am I scattered?  Can I focus?  Impulsivity?  Inability to sit still?

That's just what came to mind this second.  The fact I'm able to sit here and write about the possibility of having mania probably means I don't and it's more likely a sugar high.  Regardless, suffice it to say, living with a diagnosis leaves you questioning EVERYTHING about your health, thinking, emotions, and body.  Talk about stress and anxiety.  Pretty sure my stomach just did flips thinking about the concerns of not being well.  I personally have a laundry list of medical ailments I'll spare you with, but I'm pretty positive they're all tied into some very rare disease that has inhabited my body for the last 29 years, disguising itself as a mental health disorder.  Don't worry, they'll figure it out one day I'm sure.  Until then, I'll keep poppin' my pills and getting that regular sleep schedule down.

Come to think of it, I haven't worked out in a few days.  This could just be restless, pent-up energy.  You never can be sure.  Best to take precaution and rise and shine with a good run and a cup of coffee in the a.m., but maybe only one cup.

Check in with you next time.

Nat